“Just Hope”
What makes my life worth living? A question that is posed to all of us whether we acknowledge it or not. My life has been anything but a clear cut, mess free existence. My life has been hard, ugly, messy, sad, pathetic, riddled with a variety of abuse, and most of all, impossible to define in short or long form.
I have spent many nights hunched over the edge of my bed, crying into the palms of my hands wishing I could end all the pain and angst. I spent many days scouring the streets and other places I am less than proud to admit, for money to feed the addiction that controlled my life for so many years. The same addiction that led to me losing my job, my home, my wife, my daughter, my life as I knew it. If I had a little less luck, I would not be here today.
For a long while, I didn’t care if I would be fortunate enough to open my eyes the following morning. I would go as far as holding my pistol to my temple, every so lightly squeezing the trigger. Not squeezing it hard enough to discharge the round in the chamber, but squeezing hard enough to know my life may end at that moment. I would also load up my syringe with so much dope and swallow so many benzodiazepines that I would never know if I would survive the night or not. Most nights it was like playing my own adaptations of Russian roulette.
It was in all this uncertainty that I realized my life is worth living. It was in my darkest hours that I recognized what made life so beautiful. It summed up to one word and one word alone: HOPE. After waking every morning, almost upset for the fact that I opened my eyes, I began to gain hope for the possibility that life can get better. I began to take notice to all the things I was grateful for in this world, and taking inventory of those reasons to be grateful has provided me with an ever-growing amount of hope festering in my heart like a wildfire. A deep appreciation for everything I have today provides me with HOPE for a better tomorrow.
By: A.L. Blackheart
This essay was originally published by Free Spirit Publishing in the book “Essay Cluster.” It was written by A.L. Blackheart, but publishing rights are those of Free Spirit Publishing.
